Long before I ever boarded the plane to Canada twenty months ago, I knew that it was at the sacrifice of what many would term the normal lifestyle.
This has obvious benefits. The freedom to go where I please. To meet people everyday. To see new things etc. But it comes at a cost. A cost that sometimes you don't miss. Then at others you do:
You're alone.
And at a time of sadness when you have no one to talk to and no one to confide in. You're very alone.
Arrival in Paraguay was greeted by the news of a passing relative. And rarely have I felt so much that I'm out on my own.
How I picked a time to separate from Lilach.
And with time as an issue, now I stand facing the question of if to return home or not.
With no appreciation for after-life, I've always felt that a memorial service is something for the living. Something that provides closure. A way to say goodbye. So what I'm asking myself, is do I need that? And is it important to other people that I'm there? And with no one to talk to, as I often do I turn to writing for clarity and guidance..
I know that it sounds cliched, but it does give you a refreshed appreciation for your own life when someone dies. Your life can go in a snap. Living is a privilege, not a right. And it's an abuse of that privilege to live any way other than the best that you can.
Unfortunately there's no justification to which way is best, so I suppose that all you can do is live the best you can by what you like to think living is all about.
So here I find myself, in a situation where I'm trying to think by logic rather than emotion. At a time where taking the best from a situation is all that you can do. And if in death you find new inspiration then it provides a silver-lining.
These circumstances have re-ignited two realisations inside of me. It's reminded me to appreciate that I'm not here alone if I don't want to be. And as much as it's hard for me, it's going to be worse for others. And I know that those people will always be there if I need them, so I feel that I should be with them now. I want to be there with them now.
But also it reminds me that the way that I've chosen to live my life in the most fulfilling way, is to get out and learn the world. (It was deliberate to say learn rather than see.) That's the way that I choose to not abuse my privilege of life. I refuse to spend it rotting away in a job I despise, making money for people that I despise, doing things that I despise, when I can be out appreciating that there's so much more. That's why I travel.
So I find myself wrestling with these two realisations, each pulling me in a different direction. If I could magic myself home now, and then magic myself back to Paraguay when the time would be right, then I guess that there is no dilemma. But there's the small matter of $2,000 of flights standing between that reality.
I spoke in the last blog of how I could potentially need to go home prior to the Winter anyway, necessarily much closer to when I'll (hopefully) be starting the ski-season in Utah than now. So what a waste of money it would be to fly trans-Atlantic four times in four months (and environmentally costly) if I come directly back to Paraguay and have to go home again anyway. Which means that if I fly home now... it could well be a one-way flight. Spending the Summer in England doing, fuck-knows what. Hopefully some kind of shit job that will make me want to kill myself everyday, but at least get some money in the bank. But considering what I've just said about appreciating life and not abusing the privilege by wasting away your time, that would be somewhat hipocritical of me. And ironic in a way.
Someone dying makes me realise that I need to live to the fullest, but it's going to their funeral that leads to an unfulfilling next four months...
But then there is the small matter of being with family in these times. Because although I don't feel that now, or at any other time for that matter that I'll need a funeral or service of any kind to provide closure, I know that there's people that will always be there for me if I need them. So I want to be there for them too. Now.
It's somewhat of a tragedy that I don't yet know if it's necessary for me to go home before the Winter. Because should I take a return-trip to Paraguay now, and then need to go home again before the Winter anyway... what a waste. But then if I made it a one-way flight and wasted my summer in some bullshit job in London and it turns out that I could have done everything from South America anyway... then what a waste of four months that is as well.
There's just a lot that I don't know. And going home? I've got but a couple of days to get my flight(s) arranged. Just going to have to make a snap-judgement, because right now there is just way too much that I don't know. Primarily, if I even have a job this Winter. Because foregoing that then neither of the above even apply. Wouldn't want to be in England or South America. New Zealand would be likely.
If I come straight back to Paraguay and need to go home again anyway. What a fucking waste of money.
If I stay home and it turns out to be unnecessary that I was there. What a fucking waste of time.
Stay here? Go home and stay there? Go home and come back here? Go home and go somewhere else? What the fuck do I do?